2. I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out ass.
3. The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"
4. Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
5. The richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least.
6. I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.
7. I thought I wanted a long career, turns out I just wanted cash money.
8. James is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.
9. “When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they’re not it.”
10. Have you ever noticed that “lol” looks like a drowning man? I don’t think he was laughing out loud..
12. “Well behaved woman rarely make history” by now I have my own chapter. All life lessons I have learned came from misbehavin..if you are going to risk it make it worth it.
13. “My oven has a button that says ‘Stop Time’. I know it’s probably supposed to say ‘Stop Timer’, but I don’t touch it, just in case.”
14. You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.
15. Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
16. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.
17. James is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.
18. Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you dont know.
19. If youre talking behind my back, youre in a good position to kiss my ass!
20. Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.
21. Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, it’s too long.
22. I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.
23. My job is definitely secure. No one else wants it.
24. Christopher is exactly the kind of person who would be gay and repress it even to himself.
25. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
26. When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.
27. Peter reminds you to not play stupid with me! I’m better at it.
28. Lauren lives vicariously… through herself.
29. Liz is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.